My Transformation: At the Age of 37…

[x_blockquote]“At the age of 37, she realized she’d never ride through Paris
in a sports car with the warm wind in her hair.”[/x_blockquote]

Born In Poland. Raised to stay in Poland. Daughter of wonderful people that through power of the universe got connected 40 years ago so I could come into existence. Child of the Communism system. Perfect material to stay the same, not to single out, to follow and to obey. Very well controlled and manipulated. Although I do not support Communism philosophy, it gave me strong ground to who I was. Never experienced poverty or extreme condition however scarcity and access to goods was the theme of me growing up. Having resourceful parents, I never felt I was missing something out. Maybe I already knew I was not needing much. Obviously, as a teen I had my wants. Having waited for months to have my wish realized, taught me to appreciate things to enormous proportions, to never take things for granted, to use objects till the last breath is taken away from them, not to spent money if you cannot afford it, to be frugal. Thought me that you cannot ever forget where you are coming from. Regardless of what you do, where you live and who you think you are.

What it did not teach me, is how to be bold and creative. How to break the chains that strangles you, that cut your wings and although you know you can fly you never have a dam courage to take off. Neither of that was cultivated at home. The reality was to secure well-being of the family, follow the steps of the system, there was not much time and resources to support extra curriculums. With today’s knowledge I can daringly say that I was an ideal product of those times. At least on the outside.

I stewed for long time. The perception of me become: being opinioned, loud, last word belonged to her. I wanted to be heard maybe listened to. Yet with strong complying futures, especially when came to authorities, I struggled between being expressive, the need of being accepted and not being rejected. Had a lot of freedom which was only an illusion.

I was driven by not disappointing my parents and the society, by fitting in. Though, I guess I did, when I did not get accepted to the University the first time. I brought shame. The point was, it was my parent’s ambition, at that time, for me to study regardless of my interests. I would be the first among them to have received that opportunity which I was wasting. That also brought question of “so what’s now, what people will say, time is ticking, you are derailing from the prescribed path”. I never cared what people say about me as I always knew they will say whatever their soul desires regardless of the truth. I was not immune though to emotions and pressure associated with that.

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