My Transformation: Life Should Be Touched Not Strangled

Life should be touched not strangled.”

Grew up in the house were the clock is a shrine. No clock no life. It dictated and still does, the unstoppable rhythm. The sound of the pointer reminds you minute by minute of your mortality and being at the mercy of whatever surrounds you with no free will, and you must comply with totally incapacitating reality. Apathy and resignation, anticipation for the worse to come because eventually it will.

Never had courage to live on my own. Well, I was maturing to take this step as it was just about time to leave home. I was getting really anxious experiencing different forms of manipulations which I was too afraid to say no to.

Despite my parent’s fear, of me getting old with no perspective of having a husband, I got chosen and got married and moved to Canada – all within 15 short months. I quickly learnt the power of “be careful what you wish for”. Conversely back then I treated it as a curse.

Deeply in my heart, I always knew that I was longing for… For something almost indescribable and it was always present. That sensation of being surrounded by somewhat bigger than me. Deep sense of comfort and peace in unconditional understanding, unshakeable believe and trust, unquestionable support and ultimate love.

My parents were very proud of me when as 7 years old for the first time I left home to spend one long month at the summer camp. Since then, I did it every year till I was 18.

I am not saying it was the only time they were delighted. Nevertheless, I have, this present memory of them acknowledging my achievements only after the fact, never before, when it was obvious I succeed. Surrounded by doubt and criticism for being an outsider, tired of fighting, convincing, and proving, easily board and not having precise interests, I was wronging myself quite a lot. So I was seeking forward…being a rebel, loudly and effortlessly putting myself in the opposition camp.

I also learned, I could tolerate things for long because I was afraid to let go. However, once I reached my limits, things were over quickly. There was no going back. I manifested that mostly in my relationships, or I should rather say in ending them.


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