I arrived to foreign and unfamiliar country – despite strong emotional attachment to family and friends, deeply ingrained patriotism and the gilt – country that many dreamed about and I got it as unwanted gift. Trapped in reality, which most immigrants could only fantasies of, I was not able to make any sense of what have happened.
I struggled with limitations I was facing. Not speaking the language, not working and totally dependent I was driving myself to despair. My still fresh and steaming, yet useless at the moment, Master’s Degree, was adding the feelings of worthlessness and sense of lost time. Un- verbalized, at that time, values system was manifesting in frustration as a response to lack of independence which equaled to absence of financial contribution to the relationship. Inadequacy combined with anxiety rapidly turned into unpredictable yet very frequent panic attacks. Fear of death, which I lived with since I was 12, grew bigger each day, and was manifested by avoiding anything that could breathe life into me. Taking away joy form me and those around as they were voluntarily capitulating their needs and wants. That fear was constantly present like the best friend I could always count on. Suffocated in my anxieties, looking for answers to the unanswerable questions and chocking when grasping for air, I was falling slowly, wondering how much longer my rabbit heart will take it and my mind will withhold it.
What have protected me? Maybe the dread of being a failure? Perhaps the need to find an answers. Maybe the voice of my identity was reminding me “you are on your own – you have to do it yourself. You are not a quitter!” Possibly determination that was always pushing me beyond what I knew intellectually and was firing up the curiosity. The emerging feeling form the darkness to follow the unknown. And I will be just all right. Perseverance in finding ways to overcome it on my own…..Inner knowing, that my experience is shaping a path. And this is just a Prolog to a journey I stared the day I was born…